The Torturous Art of the Cover Letter

I've always hated writing cover letters. I think it's hard for me to sell myself on paper like that, and what I really want to say generally isn't something that I can say (For instance: "If you want to know about me, please turn the page to my vitae. Thank you.")

Over the last couple of days, I've been working on a cover letter for a job for which I'm applying. This would be a Real Job. But don't get too excited -- I really don't have much chance of getting it. This is partly because I'm not a Real Professional. And because I don't see myself as a Real Professional, I think it comes across in my letter. Also, again, what I would really like to say is pretty much off limits for the letter. So, in order to get it out of my system, I will post here the cover letter that I wish I could write:

To whom it may concern:

With great anxiety I apply for XX position. Please find attached my curriculum vitae, which includes a list of professional references that you may contact if you would like someone to vouch for my mediocrity. I am, however, a very nice person.

I think I would be a good fit at X because I really need a job. Sallie Mae is breathing down my neck and heat is expensive. Although I hear that you are not a particularly fun place to work, I'm willing to put that aside so long as you pay me well and don't torture me too terribly much. And when I suggest that you pay me "well" please do keep in mind that it is only a suggestion. I am desperate, which means I'm a good bargain. I have also never really made money in my life, so I have virtually nothing to which I could unfavorably compare whatever crappy salary you offer me. I might ask for more, but only because the aforementioned Sallie Mae owns my soul.

If you hire me, you will be pleasantly (?) surprised at my ability to make sarcastic quips during meetings. Depending on your sense of humor, you may or may not find this funny. If you don't, I will make an effort to quiet myself by muttering under my breath to coworkers instead. I will also retire to my office and work on my blog. At the end of the day, I will be happy to leave on time in the name of "personal balance" and go home to immediately put on my pajamas even though it is only 6 PM. I will then watch mindless sitcom reruns on television because I'm so freakin' tired from getting up at 5 to hit the gym that I was really too tired to function at work in the first place. I am excellent in emergency situations, however, because when I am tired and stressed, I tend to cry.

Please do not hesitate to contact me to further discuss my application.

Sincerely,

Helga