Helga's Life Lessons

The following are important life lessons that I have learned over the last several months. Feel free to submit some of your own in the comments. (And please note that I am not intending for "Asking people for comments guarantees that nobody will leave any" to be a Life Lesson. Ahem.)

1. When suffering from a sinus headache, it is not wise to look for something under the bed by dangling upside-down off of it.

2. If ice frozen on the sidewalk is clear, it is very slippery; if it is whitish, it is less so. Also, ice seems less slippery when you run over it than when you walk over it. And if the ice is covered with a layer of water from a recent rain, you will slip no matter what.

3. No matter how much "leather protector" you spray on a beat-up pair of shoes, they will still look bad.

4. Wearing a pair of corduroy pants while sitting in a velvet chair creates a lot of friction.

5. When you happen to see your bare arms in the mirror and almost don't recognize them because they are so pale, it means that you are ready for spring.

6. When leaving a voicemail for somebody, never, ever use the word "awesome."

7. It hurts to look directly into a laser pointer.

8. Daylight savings time is a cruel joke.

9. A fuzzy, white hoodie sweater is never a good idea.

10. You know you have watched too much HGTV when you reflexively say "Added value!" every time you see granite countertops.

11. If you avoid wearing mascara in part because it makes your lashes look too long, you're not a make-up person.

12. If homeless people compliment you on your haircut, it means you've got a good stylist. It could also mean that you are in Harvard Square a lot.

13. The best way to deter those people who want you to sign a petition and try to pique your interest by asking "Do you care about the environment?" is to answer "Actually, no." And walk quickly away to go buy your soymilk.

14. The best way to shock somebody in the Boston area is to be courteous to them while on public transit or while driving.

15. The second-best way is to tell them that you don't like baseball and that you routinely root for the Red Sox NOT to make it to the World Series just so the season will end sooner. Or maybe this is actually the best way to shock a Bostonian. Hmmm.

16. If a cop is waving his arms at you in a construction zone, it means he wants you to stop, even if he's on his cell phone, is not wearing any reflective gear, and generally looks disinterested.

17. If you decide that you "don't need" your gloves while running on a cold day, your hands may temporarily become unresponsive lumps.

18. It is really difficult to peel a parking permit sticker off your window by shredding it into a thousand pieces with an Exacto knife.

19. When running, the best way to get a large clump of people who are coming toward you to make room for you on the sidewalk is to just keep running toward them.

20. A good way to kill fruit flies is with a trap made of water, dish soap, and balsamic vinegar. Unfortunately, the gnats that sometimes take up residence in houseplants are immune to the lure of this concoction.